Love, Dad

I've never thought of my parents as being particularly affectionate. I've seen friends with supporting, caring, and thoughtful parents who are engaged with their children in ways that my parents definitely aren't. Many of my friends and peers have much closer relationships with their parents, and this has led me to believe that my parents simply aren't affectionate.

At dinner in Minneapolis last week with my sister, I told her that we can have whatever she wants because Mom gave me $60 for dinner. Her response was that Mom doesn't really know how to express her affection, so she gives us money. I didn't have to even think about it to realize that it was entirely true. At that second, I recounted the countless times when I've been given money for no reason, or been given a bit too much, in her exact words on a $300 QuickPay deposit, "a little extra". It all made sense right then and there. While it's normal and healthy and typical for most parents to provide their children with money, ours was always accompanied with an "xxoo" or "so proud of you", something showing affection in some form.

She doesn't know any other way to express herself. I can see the reasons why, but can only speculate. Maybe a combination of her personality, background, or mental illnesses. I'm not sure. I used to always feel guilty when accepting money from her. I felt bad about it, like I didn't deserve it. The money that I was receiving was incongruous with the amount of affection I felt she provided us. It bothered me to no end, until now.

I checked my email later that week and opened from my dad. Typically his emails are either about day-to-day business: here's your new insurance card, here's an elk we saw on vacation, here's an article in the Wall Street that you should read. And I appreciate them, because I accepted them as his ways of showing affection. I understand how he operates much more clearly than I understand my mom. His email was congratulatory; I had received two job offers this week, and I think he understood that I was in a conundrum between four possible employers. He understood that I don't fully grasp how to sort through all the pros and cons of each company, and created a "Decision matrix" for me that he uses at work all the time. He made an excel file as a template to fill in with information, and left me an incredibly detailed explanation of how to make a difficult decision. It was one of the most thoughtful things either of my parents have ever done for me. It was also signed, "Love, Dad". Perhaps this is unusual, but he's never told me he loved me. At least in recent memory.

It was after that week when I realized that my parents really are affectionate. The realization was more about my mom, as I've always had a slightly more connected relationship with my dad. But it definitely applied to both. They both are people who can't express their affection in normal ways, and I was just a bit more in tune to my dad's way of expressing it. For the longest time, the question of why my parents were different than everyone else's bothered me. I was extremely frustrated with the fact that I had no answers. It took a long time, but I think I've figured it out.

This opens up the fact that I haven't really reciprocated affection back to my parents. That's just the way I grew up, I guess. I feel guilty for never realizing that my parents were being affectionate this whole time. And, maybe they did do me a disservice by rarely showing affection in deliberate ways. I still have to think a bit more about this. In the last couple of months, I've found that I'm personally drawn to understanding things. I want to know how things work and why the things that we might accept for face value are the way they are. I'm satisfied by finding an explanation, and maybe this is a turning point.